Ways Not To Use Your Bible
(5 people in a line on stage; starting from stage right outside girl, inside girl, narrator, inside boy, outside boy)
NARRATOR: 1, 2, 1 2 3 4
EVERYONE: (sing song and dancing) Ways not to use your Bible! (everyone except for Narrator turns around steps back, full back to audience)
NARRATOR: Your Bible is not a good way to protect your furniture. (turns around with everyone else)
OUTSIDE GIRL: (spins in sipping fake drink loudly) Mmm... that's some delicious lemonade. If only I had somewhere to put it. (dramatically notices and starts walking towards center stage) Oh look! An antique coffee table!
OUTSIDE BOY: (spins in holding Bible) Waaaaaaaait! You can't set that on my nice antique coffee table.
OUTSIDE GIRL: Why not?
OUTSIDE BOY: You need a coaster.
OUTSIDE GIRL: I don't have a coaster.
OUTSIDE BOY: Well, here. Use my Bible. (hands outside girl Bible)
OUTSIDE GIRL: Thanks! (takes Bible and "sets" lemonade on it; both characters turn around and bow out. While the Narrator is speaking the Outside Girl hands the Bible to the Inside Girl)
NARRATOR: (turns around and steps forward) You're Bible is a great spiritual weapon, not so much a physical one. (turns around)
INSIDE GIRL: (turns in) Hey, girl, hey!
OUTSIDE GIRL: (turns in) Heeeeey!
INSIDE GIRL: So, I like heard from a friend of a friend of a friend that you want to get saved.
OUTSIDE GIRL: I mean, I guess so.
INSIDE GIRL: (hits Outside Girl on the arm with Bible) Are you saved yet?
OUTSIDE GIRL: No, but my arm hurts.
INSIDE GIRL: Oh, well there's healing in the word. (hits arm 3 separate times while saying next line) Are you saved? Are you saved? Are you saved?
OUTSIDE GIRL: I don't get it! (turns around)
INSIDE GIRL: (shrugs shoulders and then turns around)
NARRATOR: (turns around and steps forward) Your Bible is not a way to pick up guys. (turns around and steps back)
INSIDE BOY: (turns around and begins lifting "weights")
INSIDE GIRL: (turns around, sees Inside Boy, and fawns)
INSIDE BOY: (doesn't see Inside Girl, begins to count while he lifts) One! Two (sees Inside Girl) hundred!
INSIDE GIRL: Hey, good looking, what you got cooking?
INSIDE BOY: Nothing. Just these hammies.
INSIDE GIRL: So, I was reading in the book of numbers and I realized I don't have yours.
INSIDE BOY: Why would my personal number be in the scriptures?
INSIDE GIRL: Your arms are like the boulder in front of Jesus' tomb!
INSIDE BOY: My arms? You mean my muscles? Like this muscle? (point at a random muscle each time) Like this muscle? This muscle? How about this one? (the last time point at your tongue) Like this muscle? You forgot about the greatest muscle of them all. My heart. I cried during The Notebook. You don't deserve this. (take Bible and turn back around)
NARRATOR: (turn around) Your Bible is not a fortune teller. (turn back around)
INSIDE BOY: (turn around) Sup, bro?
OUTSIDE BOY: (turn around) Sup, dude?
INSIDE BOY: What do you wanna do tonight?
OUTSIDE BOY: I don't know. What do you wanna do tonight?
INSIDE BOY: I don't know. Let's ask the Bible.
(both boys hold the Bible together and begin to dance back and forth)
BOTH BOYS: Bible, Bible, true and right, tell us what to do tonight!
INSIDE BOY: (reads from Bible) And Judas went and hung himself.
(boys start screaming and throwing the Bible back and forth between them until finally Outside Boy catches it and stops them)
OUTSIDE BOY: Wait, we forgot to shake it.
(again boys hold the Bible together)
BOTH BOYS: Shake, shake. Shake, shake ah shake it!
OUTSIDE BOY: (holding Bible) And you should do likewise.
(both boys begin screaming again before throwing the Bible on the ground)
BOTH GIRLS: (turn around together and point at the boys) Hey, boys! Wanna hang!
(both boys scream and then Inside Boy jumps into the arms of Outside Boy; everyone freezes)
NARRATOR: (turns around) You've just seen many ways NOT to use your Bible. Your Bible is not -
OUTSIDE GIRL: A coaster.
INSIDE GIRL: A weapon.
INSIDE BOY: A way to pick up guys.
OUTSIDE BOY: (drop Inside Boy) A fortune teller.
NARRATOR: To use your Bible correctly simply -
OUTSIDE GIRL: Open it.
INSIDE GIRL: Read it.
INSIDE BOY: Study it.
OUTSIDE BOY: Apply it.
EVERYONE: It's that easy.