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Chris Wineland

(2 people on stage, CHRIS & ELIJAH)

CHRIS:        Hey, Elijah! I wanna tell the crowd my joke. I've been working on it for awhile now and I think it's hilarious. So, I'm gonna tell it.

ELIJAH:      Okay. Is it funny?

CHRIS:        Oh yeah! It's really funny! And original too! I wrote it.

ELIJAH:      Alright, you can tell it.

CHRIS:        I will! You can't interrupt this time though.

ELIJAH:      I would never.

CHRIS:        So, Jonah is on this ship, right? Sailing through the -

ELIJAH:      Hey, Chris! What kind of ship is it?

CHRIS:        I thought you said you weren't gonna interrupt.

ELIJAH:      I'm not. I just want to know what kind of ship it is.

CHRIS:        Alright, it's a wooden ship. So, Jonah is on this wooden ship sailing through the ocean. And then -

ELIJAH:      Chris! What ocean?

CHRIS:        Why does it matter what ocean?

ELIJAH:      I don't know. I feel like it's important for context.

CHRIS:        It's a generic ocean.

ELIJAH:      I can take that answer.

CHRIS:        Okay, Jonah is on a wooden ship sailing through the generic ocean. And he looks behind them and sees a whale chasing them!

ELIJAH:      What kind of whale is it?

CHRIS:        Stop interrupting! The joke isn't gonna be funny if you keep doing that.

ELIJAH:      Okay, I'll stop. But I need to know what kind of whale it is.

CHRIS:        It's a blue whale! Does that sound good?

ELIJAH:      Yeah, that's fine.

CHRIS:        So this blue whale is following them and it's gaining on them. So they figure they need to lighten the load. So they start throwing stuff off the ship. First they find a barrel of apples an throw that off.

ELIJAH:      What kind of apples are they?

CHRIS:        I don't know. It doesn't matter.

ELIJAH:      It matters to me!

CHRIS:        Okay, they're crab apples! They throw this barrel of crab apples overboard and the blue whale is still gaining. So they find a stool and throw that off. What kind of stool is it?!

ELIJAH:      What? I wasn't gonna say anything.

CHRIS:        It's a bar stool. So they throw off the bar stool and the whale is still gaining so Jonah realizes he needs to sacrifice himself to save the crew. So he, and I know you're gonna ask, so he SWAN dives into the ocean.

ELIJAH:      Can you demonstrate?

CHRIS:        (try to demonstrate but ultimately fail)

ELIJAH:      Good enough.

CHRIS:        He does a beautiful swan dive right into the blue whale's mouth. Now, 3 months later -

ELIJAH:      Wait wait wait! Chris, I know you're a funny guy and you said you wrote this joke yourself so I know you're not lying. So you're definitely not telling the joke where they find the same whale 3 months later, cut it open, and find Jonah on the inside selling 3 apples for a dollar. I know it's not THAT joke, so you go ahead and tell it. I'll be quiet and no more interrupting.

CHRIS:        (awkwardly get off stage and sit down; have fun with it, you can even hide if you want) Thank you.


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