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The Call

Micah & Chris Wineland, Mary Halter, Dillon Heiserman



(a phone in the middle of the stage starts ringing then Lauren walks in picks up the phone. Satan is voiced over a microphone)


Lauren:           Hello?


(there is just creepy breathing)


Lauren:           Who is this? (still breathing) Who is this?!


Satan:             It’s your friend. (Who talks with a hiss)


Lauren:           Fred I don’t know any Fred’s (there is a lot of panic in her voice)


Satan:             No friend


Lauren:           I don’t have those ether!


Satan:             It’s Satan!


Lauren:           Satan what?!


Satan:             Yes


Lauren:           What do you want from me?


Satan:             I just want to chat


Lauren:           You want my cat?


Satan:             No, I want to chat


Lauren:           Really about what?


Satan:             I have this little secret


Lauren:           A What? A secret?


Satan:             Yeah, a secret. Yeah whisperings. It’s on the DL so come in a little closer.


Lauren:            Is this close enough?


Satan:              Closer


Lauren:           Here?


Satan:             Closer…


Lauren:           Wait can you see me?


Satan:             No…. but that polo with those jeans?....hmm.


Lauren:           What the secret?


Satan:             Your sister


Lauren:           What about her?


Satan:             She thinks you're ugly!


Lauren:           What she does?


Satan:             Yes hideous (makes tongue noise)


Lauren:           OH NO my sister thinks IM UGLY! Hideous even? I’m a beast of a woman! Wait a second I don’t have a sister. Satan, your lying to me


Satan:             Well even if you did… she’d probably hate you.


Lauren:           that’s it I’m hanging up!


Satan:             Wait! Wait! I have a surprise for you


Lauren:           No, you are just going to lie to me again


Satan:             Oh, come one I was just being a little silly


Lauren:           Well I wasn’t laughing


Satan:             Oh, you want to laugh?


Lauren:           Sure


Satan:             Perfect. What is Satan’s favorite fabric?


Lauren:           What?


Satan:             What is Satans favorite fabric?


Lauren:           What?


Satan:             What am I not on speaker phone? What. Is. Satans. Favorite. Fabric?


Lauren:           No I heard you but I don’t know the answer.


Satan:             Satin. Get it satin… Satan


Lauren:           And on that note…(goodbye)


Satan:             No, no, wait no remember the surprise?


Lauren:           Oh really a surprise? Oh wait… No, you just going to lie to me


Satan:             I have never told a lie


Lauren:           I feel like you did…didn’t you?


Satan:             You know your neighbor Russel?


Lauren:           Yeah, I use to hear him yell at his plants in his front yard


Satan:             Yes, he is going to be your husband


Lauren:           I am going to marry Russel?


Satan:             Yes, and he is proposing tonight


Lauren:           Tonight? On a Tuesday??


Satan:             Yes, better get ready what are you going to wear?


Lauren:           I don’t know! Im not prepared! Whats my best outfit?


Satan:             You don’t have one.


Lauren:           You're right!


Satan:             Honey those nails!


Lauren:           AHH! Wait a second Russel is in the mental institute until next summer!


Satan:             Oh shucks….you caught me I was lying again..


Lauren:           So I have plenty of time to get ready.


Satan:             Im just joking. You’ll never get married.


Lauren:           Okay, I’m gonna let you go.


Satan:             Wait don’t you want to know the secret?


Lauren:           Sure.


Satan::            ….The more I think about it… I don’t actually prefer Satin.. Im more of an Egyptian cotton kind of devil. I mean it gets so humid in the summer and I need to breathe.


Lauren:           Is that the secret?


Satan:             No just commentary.


Lauren:           Devil if you don’t tell me the secret then Im hanging up right now!


Satan:             You already know the secret silly.


Lauren:           I do?


Satan:             After all its your secret.


Lauren:           It is? What secret do you know?


Satan:             (sing songy) I know your secret your dirty little secret


Lauren:           hey…


 Satan:            if anyone found out they wouldn’t love you.


Lauren:           Stop.


Satan:              I don’t think Im the one who needs to stop.


Lauren:           No. You're lying.


Satan:             Am I?


Lauren:           I didn’t want any of this.


Satan:             And yet you didn’t stop it.


Lauren:           no…


Satan:             And honestly you like it. Otherwise why would you go back. Again. And again. And again. Admit it.


Lauren:           No.


Satan:             Go on. No one will ever love you.


Lauren:           No one….


Satan:             Get it off your chest.


(long pause)


Satan:            SAY IT!!!


Lauren:           No one will ever love me.



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