The Call

Micah & Chris Wineland, Mary Halter, Dillon Heiserman

 

 

(a phone in the middle of the stage starts ringing then Lauren walks in picks up the phone. Satan is voiced over a microphone)

 

Lauren:           Hello?

 

(there is just creepy breathing)

 

Lauren:           Who is this? (still breathing) Who is this?!

 

Satan:             It’s your friend. (Who talks with a hiss)

 

Lauren:           Fred I don’t know any Fred’s (there is a lot of panic in her voice)

 

Satan:             No friend

 

Lauren:           I don’t have those ether!

 

Satan:             It’s Satan!

 

Lauren:           Satan what?!

 

Satan:             Yes

 

Lauren:           What do you want from me?

 

Satan:             I just want to chat

 

Lauren:           You want my cat?

 

Satan:             No, I want to chat

 

Lauren:           Really about what?

 

Satan:             I have this little secret

 

Lauren:           A What? A secret?

 

Satan:             Yeah, a secret. Yeah whisperings. It’s on the DL so come in a little closer.

 

Lauren:            Is this close enough?

 

Satan:              Closer

 

Lauren:           Here?

 

Satan:             Closer…

 

Lauren:           Wait can you see me?

 

Satan:             No…. but that polo with those jeans?....hmm.

 

Lauren:           What the secret?

 

Satan:             Your sister

 

Lauren:           What about her?

 

Satan:             She thinks you're ugly!

 

Lauren:           What she does?

 

Satan:             Yes hideous (makes tongue noise)

 

Lauren:           OH NO my sister thinks IM UGLY! Hideous even? I’m a beast of a woman! Wait a second I don’t have a sister. Satan, your lying to me

 

Satan:             Well even if you did… she’d probably hate you.

 

Lauren:           that’s it I’m hanging up!

 

Satan:             Wait! Wait! I have a surprise for you

 

Lauren:           No, you are just going to lie to me again

 

Satan:             Oh, come one I was just being a little silly

 

Lauren:           Well I wasn’t laughing

 

Satan:             Oh, you want to laugh?

 

Lauren:           Sure

 

Satan:             Perfect. What is Satan’s favorite fabric?

 

Lauren:           What?

 

Satan:             What is Satans favorite fabric?

 

Lauren:           What?

 

Satan:             What am I not on speaker phone? What. Is. Satans. Favorite. Fabric?

 

Lauren:           No I heard you but I don’t know the answer.

 

Satan:             Satin. Get it satin… Satan

 

Lauren:           And on that note…(goodbye)

 

Satan:             No, no, wait no remember the surprise?

 

Lauren:           Oh really a surprise? Oh wait… No, you just going to lie to me

 

Satan:             I have never told a lie

 

Lauren:           I feel like you did…didn’t you?

 

Satan:             You know your neighbor Russel?

 

Lauren:           Yeah, I use to hear him yell at his plants in his front yard

 

Satan:             Yes, he is going to be your husband

 

Lauren:           I am going to marry Russel?

 

Satan:             Yes, and he is proposing tonight

 

Lauren:           Tonight? On a Tuesday??

 

Satan:             Yes, better get ready what are you going to wear?

 

Lauren:           I don’t know! Im not prepared! Whats my best outfit?

 

Satan:             You don’t have one.

 

Lauren:           You're right!

 

Satan:             Honey those nails!

 

Lauren:           AHH! Wait a second Russel is in the mental institute until next summer!

 

Satan:             Oh shucks….you caught me I was lying again..

 

Lauren:           So I have plenty of time to get ready.

 

Satan:             Im just joking. You’ll never get married.

 

Lauren:           Okay, I’m gonna let you go.

 

Satan:             Wait don’t you want to know the secret?

 

Lauren:           Sure.

 

Satan::            ….The more I think about it… I don’t actually prefer Satin.. Im more of an Egyptian cotton kind of devil. I mean it gets so humid in the summer and I need to breathe.

 

Lauren:           Is that the secret?

 

Satan:             No just commentary.

 

Lauren:           Devil if you don’t tell me the secret then Im hanging up right now!

 

Satan:             You already know the secret silly.

 

Lauren:           I do?

 

Satan:             After all its your secret.

 

Lauren:           It is? What secret do you know?

 

Satan:             (sing songy) I know your secret your dirty little secret

 

Lauren:           hey…

 

 Satan:            if anyone found out they wouldn’t love you.

 

Lauren:           Stop.

 

Satan:              I don’t think Im the one who needs to stop.

 

Lauren:           No. You're lying.

 

Satan:             Am I?

 

Lauren:           I didn’t want any of this.

 

Satan:             And yet you didn’t stop it.

 

Lauren:           no…

 

Satan:             And honestly you like it. Otherwise why would you go back. Again. And again. And again. Admit it.

 

Lauren:           No.

 

Satan:             Go on. No one will ever love you.

 

Lauren:           No one….

 

Satan:             Get it off your chest.

 

(long pause)

 

Satan:            SAY IT!!!

 

Lauren:           No one will ever love me.

 

THE END