(Mafia-style music plays. There is a long table center stage. On one end of the table, stage left, sits a suave mobster-like man. He is calm and collected, staring down the person across the table from him. That person sitting at the opposite end has a bag over his head with hands tied behind back. He is a nerd. Standing directly behind the nerd is a woman. She is like the henchman. As soon as the music starts to play, the Henchman pulls the bag off the nerd’s head. Nerd looks around. When his eyes land on the calm mobster, he lets out a quick shriek.)
MOBSTER: Me and my partner here got a proposition for you.
HENCHMAN: Yeah, a proposition.
NERD: Okay, but can we make this quick? Cuz I was about to watch Star Wars Episode six, and my mom made cookies in the shape of death stars! I’m gonna destroy them.
(The nerd chuckles to himself. Mobster stares at him for a beat.)
MOBSTER: Did you receive our message?
NERD: You mean the box of fingers on my doorstep?
MOBSTER: Yeah. Butterfingers. I hope you liked ‘em.
NERD: (excited) Oh yeah! They were delicious. I just opened’ em up and went (pretends to feverishly eat. When he’s done he smiles.)
MOBSTER: We like to send a message ahead of time.
HENCHMAN: It gets people’s (punches fists together) attention.
NERD: I mean you could’ve just used Facebook, but okay.
MOBSTER: The Cucinella family would be very pleased if you joined us for church this Sunday.
HENCHMAN: Very (punches her fists together) pleased.
NERD: Thanks guys, but I’ve got a Bobafet Convention the night before. I’m gonna be real tired.
MOBSTER: Tell ya what, I’m gonna write you a figure; let me know what you think.
(The mobster pulls out a piece of paper and a pen. The nerd leans forward trying to see what he’s drawing. The mobster starts to draw, and then looks up at the nerd who quickly looks away. They do this twice. The third time instead of looking up, the mobster focuses deeper on the paper. He stabs the drawing with his pen repeatedly making dots on the paper. The nerd jumps as the Mobster gets increasingly more violent with the stabbing. When the mobster is done he composes himself, folds the paper and passes it towards the nerd. Only, the paper doesn’t go far on this long table. With hands tied, the nerd tries reaching with his head, but it’s nowhere near him. The Mobster pushes it a little further, but now it’s in the middle of the table and neither person can get to it. After reaching as far as he can, the mobster climbs on the table and still struggles to get it to the nerd because the nerd’s hands are tied. The nerd pins it on the table with his head and then tries blowing it open. Finally, the henchman walks up.)
HENCHMAN: I’ll do it.
(The mobster goes back to his seat and composes himself. The henchman unfolds the paper and holds it up for the nerd to see.)
NERD: Hey, that’s just a doughnut.
MOBSTER: Yes. There will be doughnuts and coffee provided at the event.
NERD: Well, I do like doughnuts… but what would I tell my family?
MOBSTER: Bring them along! I think you’ll find the Cucinella family can be very welcoming.
HENCHMAN: Very (punches fists together) welcoming.
NERD: Eh, I still don’t know-
MOBSTER: (slams fists on table) Listen!
HENCHMAN: (softly) Relax, (walks over to mobster and softly speaks Italian to calm him down) I’ll take care of this.
(The henchman softly walks over to the nerd, stares and then abruptly slams hands on the table)
HENCHMAN: (Louder than mobster) Listen!
(Nerd jumps back)
HENCHMAN: We’ve been commissioned by the Godfather himself to go into all nations and make disciples.
NERD: (confused) The Godfather?
MOBSTER: Yeah, you know, the big cheese.
HENCHMAN: The head honcho.
MOBSTER: The guy you meet after you swim with the fishes.
(The nerd still doesn’t get it)
HENCHMAN: The holy cannoli.
M & H: God.
NERD: Oh God! Oh, okay. That’s all you had to say.
MOBSTER: So what do you think? You gonna come to church with us?
NERD: Uh… Okay, I’ll give it a try.
MOBSTER: Excellent. The God father will be very happy.
HENCHMAN: Very (punches fists together) happy.
(Mobster stands up and starts to walk over to the nerd)
MOBSTER: I’m afraid there’s just one more thing we gotta do.
(Henchman and mobster closes in on the nerd)
NERD: (nervous) What’s that?
MOBSTER: I’m afraid we’re gonna have to (forcefully puts hands on nerd’s shoulders) lay hands on you.
NERD: (screams) Oh no!
MOBSTER: And pray.