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Chris Wineland


(Two guys and a woman sit at a table at a pizza joint.)


LINDA:          What a great day at church! I almost didn’t want to leave to come eat.


BERNARD:    Ah! I think it went a little too long. Towards the end all I could think about was the (loudly speaks for the kitchen to hear) pizza I’m still waiting on.


LINDA:          Bernard, stop it. You’ll get your pizza when you get your pizza.  Church was great today. And Jimmy, I’m so glad you got to join my husband and I this morning. It’s been too long since you’ve come to church. It’s too bad your wife couldn’t join us.


JIMMY:          Yeah, she was sick. But that’s okay. That’s more pizza for me.


BERNARD:    Oh you're lucky…


LINDA:          Bernard!


BERNARD:    Is something I would never say because I have a beautiful wife. Isn’t that right, Linda?


LINDA:          Mhmm. A beautiful wife who loves Jesus. And I have a great husband who loves Jesus. Isn’t that right honey?


BERNARD:    Oh I love Jesus. He changed my life all those many years ago and I’ve never been the same since. You know what else changed my life?


LINDA:          I think I do.


BERNARD:    This Pizza, I’m about to eat.


JIMMY:          Absolutely! This is life changing pizza here! You remember how sad I was when my family dog died? Well, You know I tried this pizza for the first time that day. And you know what? Best day of my life.


BARNARD:    Oh I’ll tell ya Jimmy. This pizza is the answer to end all wars. All we gotta do is go to each side and give the leader’s a slice of extra cheese and…


JIMMY:          The war is over. Because of this pizza. This pizza could change people’s lives just by walking in the same room. 


LINDA:          The pizza is not even here yet. Let’s talk about service. Jimmy, what did you like about Pastor’s message?


JIMMY:          Uh, that it was good.


LINDA:          What part specifically? He was talking about the loaves and the fish and the miracle Jesus did.


JIMMY:          Oh yeah. Then my favorite part was the loaves. Definitely the loaves. 


LINDA:          Why the loaves?


JIMMY:          Because I was trying to figure out what kinda dough the bread was made out of and I thought there’s no way it was the same dough they use to make this Pizza!


BERNARD:    Oh yeah! I was thinking that too! This pizza dough is like heaven for my mouth. The dough is everything.


JIMMY:          Of course it is! This dough is the soft and yet firm foundation on which this pizza establishes it’s holy matrimony of delicious pizza marriage.


BERNARD:    You know I once got out of a speeding ticket by giving the cop a slice of this here pizza!


JIMMY:          With this pizza! I believe it!


BERNARD:    This pizza saves lives!


LINDA:          Bernard! You’re being ridiculous. Pizza can’t save lives but Jesus does. Jesus saves lives.


BERNARD:    Yes, he does honey. 


JIMMY:          Oh and the sauce!


BERNARD:    Don’t get me started on the sauce! The sauce alone could win a beauty contest. It’s that beautiful!


JIMMY:          This Pizza sauce is so beautiful, I almost named my daughter after it.


LINDA:          Jimmy, you were not gonna name your daughter Pizza sauce.


JIMMY:          Of course not Linda. I was gonna name her Oregano.


BERNARD:    Oh the Oregano is so good! You know they get their Oregano from one the highest mountains in the world?


JIMMY:          Hey! Only the best for this pizza!


BERNARD:    Yeah its from the mountain in the country… uh… honey what’s the name of that country it’s in?


LINDA:          I don’t know honey.


BERNARD:    Yes you do sweety. I told you a dozen times. You know it just, look me in my eyes. What’s the country am I thinking of?


LINDA:          Yemen.


BERNARD:    That’s right it’s Yemen. The Oregano is from Yemen. 


JIMMY:          It tastes like an herb from yemen. That’s why everybody has to have this pizza! I’ll tell ya. I’ve told all my friends and family about this pizza. 


BERNARD:    With pizza like this, you gotta! I once called my cousin Moomoo for two weeks straight until he finally agreed to try this pizza. And guess what?


JIMMY:          It’s his favorite pizza?


BERNARD:    (almost speaking over him in anticipation) It’s his favorite pizza!


LINDA:          Did you call your cousin like that to get him to church?


BERNARD:    He’ll come to church sometime. I’m praying for him.


JIMMY:          Well, you know what I’m praying for? I’m praying this pizza comes out.


BERNARD:    Oh this pizza!


LINDA:          (shouts) That’s it! I’ve been trying to spend this Sunday talking about service and how good Jesus is and all you two can talk about is this Pizza! If you had the same passion for Jesus that you do for this pizza, everyone you know would be saved! 


(both men are silent as they take this hard truth in) 


(The waitress walks in with breadsticks.)


WAITRESS:    Here’s your breadsticks.


JIMMY:          Oh but these breadsticks!


BERNARD:    Breadsticks!


LINDA:          Nooo!


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