New Man

1st Gen. 

(Sketch begins with New Man walking on stage while the Old Man is following closely behind him.)

NEW MAN:    Leave me alone! Go away. Leave me alone! Can’t you just leave me alone, Old Man?

OLD MAN:     Look, New Man, I can’t leave you alone. You wanna know why?

 

NEW MAN:    Why's that?

 

OLD MAN:     You need me.

NEW MAN:    No, I don’t need you! What I need is to go read my Bible.

OLD MAN:     (Old man stops him) You don't need to read your bible. What you need is (beat) more muscles, don’t you? Look at you! You've practically wasted away to nothing.

NEW MAN:    Well, I am a little hungry.

OLD MAN:     There’s some pizza in the refrigerator. Why don’t you go get it?

NEW MAN:    Pizza is my favorite!!

(Mimes opening a refrigerator, he pulls out the pizza and begins to devour it.)

OLD MAN:     That’s it! (evil laughter) Eat! Eat! Eat! Feed your flesh and not your Spirit!

NEW MAN:    (stops) Wait a minute. You want me to feed my flesh and not my Spirit?

OLD MAN:     Yeah!

NEW MAN:    No! (Old Man falls to the floor)

OLD MAN:     Ow! Help me up, would you?

NEW MAN:    (Reaches down and helps Old Man up) You’re getting a little weak there, Old Man. 

OLD MAN:     Yeah, and you’re getting strong. I wouldn’t be so weak if you’d stop using that word.

NEW MAN:    What word? You mean “No?”

OLD MAN:     Ouch, my sciatica! Yeah, that one.

NEW MAN:    Well, I am going to go pray, and you can’t stop me.

OLD MAN:     (Grabs New Man and pulls him back) Wait! Who are you going to pray to?

NEW MAN:    God of course. Who else? Why?

OLD MAN:     When you go pray to God, don’t you feel like you’re talking to a wall? Like no one's listening (covers ears) and no one cares what you say (covers mouth, New Man says something that can't be interpreted) EXACTLY. What you need is someone you can talk to… like a girl.

NEW MAN:    Like my mom?

OLD MAN:     Not that kind of girl. How about Becky?

NEW MAN:    (New Man acts all gooey, like he's in love) Oh (Love laugh) Becky.

OLD MAN:     Maybe you forgot what she looks like. Here, let me remind you; blonde hair…

NEW MAN:    Blonde hair…

OLD MAN:     Blue eyes…

NEW MAN:    Blue eyes…

OLD MAN:     And perfect teeth!

NEW MAN:    Perfect teeth…. 

OLD MAN:     Why don’t you call her up and talk to her? Talk to Becky and not God.

NEW MAN:    (Mimes picking up a telephone) Hello, Becky? (pantomime talking)

 

OLD MAN:    (messes with New Man) YES THAT'S PERFECT! Talk to Becky and not to God.

NEW MAN:    Wait. . . Becky I have to go (Hangs up phone) Wait a minute! Do you want me to talk to Becky and not to God?

 

OLD MAN:     Well, yes.

 

NEW MAN:    Well, NOOO! (Old Man falls to the floor) Now, I am going to go read my Bible and pray, so just leave me alone. Okay?

OLD MAN:     Fine. Leave me.

NEW MAN:    Wait. You’re going to leave me alone?

OLD MAN:     Yeah, if you want to be boring. BE MY GUEST.

 

NEW MAN:     I'm not boring.

 

OLD MAN:     Oh yeah? Think of all your friends. They're out partying right now. Having fun. They're drinking. They're smoking. And I heard that Becky's going! It's the whole shamboozle!

NEW MAN:    I love Shamboozles! What's a shamboozle?

OLD MAN:     No one knows. . . Right! (jumps on New Man's back) So, onward to the party! Spend time partying and not with God

(ab lib scene with the New Man almost leaving but not)

NEW MAN:    (realizes what the Old Man is doing, and throws him off his back) Wait a minute. You want me to go to a party and not spend time with God?

OLD MAN:     I don't wanna say. I plead the 5th.

NEW MAN:    Old man. . . .

OLD MAN:     (sighs) Yes.

NEW MAN:    No! (Old man falls to the ground) No! No! No! No! NO! I am not going to allow this anymore. I am a new creation in Christ and the old things – that’s you – have passed away. Now you play dead and leave me alone! (exits)

OLD MAN:     I hate it when he says that. (passes out)

THE END