New Dress

 1st Gen.

(Husband doing a menial house task. Wife enters through the door and runs over to him)

WIFE:             Honey….  Honey, honey, honey! Guess what I did today!?

 

HUSBAND:   (Sighs) You didn’t wreck the car again did you?

 

WIFE:             No, of course not… that was last week. I said guess what I did today!?

 

HUSBAND:    I don’t wanna guess. It's been a long day. Just tell me.

 

WIFE:             No, please guess! It's so much more fun when you guess!

HUSBAND:    No, I don’t want to-

 

WIFE:             Guess, guess, guess, guess!!

 

HUSBAND:    (fed up and yells) Just tell me!

 

WIFE:             Okay fine! I went out and bought something.

 

HUSBAND:    Oh no! (looks devastated) What did you buy this time?

 

WIFE:             Only the most beautiful dress I’ve ever seen.

 

HUSBAND:    (sighs) How much did this one cost?

 

WIFE:             (intentionally ignoring husband) It was just so amazing. Long, beautiful, red, shiny…..

 

(As the wife keeps describing the dress, the husband keeps reaching out for her attention with sayings like, “How much did it cost?”)

 

HUSBAND:    (sharply) Honey!

 

(The wife pauses in her tracks)

 

HUSBAND:    Look at me.

 

(The wife turns her head slightly to him, but keeps her eyes to the audience)

 

HUSBAND:    Look me in the eyes. (She looks him in the eyes) How much did it cost?

 

WIFE:              I can’t tell you that.

 

HUSBAND:    What?! What do you mean you can’t tell me that?

 

WIFE:             If I tell you, you’re gonna get mad and start yelling at me.

 

HUSBAND:    (calm) Well, first of all. . . (yells) I don’t yell!

 

WIFE:             You’re yelling right now.

 

HUSBAND:    Secondly, I have to know how much it cost because I make the budget and pay all the bills.. I pay for the house insurance, I I pay for the car insurance, I pay for the car insurance upon that car insurance because you keep wrecking my car! (Tries to calm down) Now tell me… how much… did it cost?

 

WIFE:             Well, remember honey, it was a designer dress.

 

HUSBAND:    What does that even mean?

 

WIFE:             It means it she has a name. Duh.

 

HUSBAND:    You bought a dress with a name?

 

WIFE:              Yes and her name is (proud) "Miss Scarlet."

 

HUSBAND:    So how much did (mockingly mimics wife) "Miss Scarlet" cost?

 

WIFE:             Well, remember she is a one of a kind.

 

HUSBAND:    Ok, so what like 50 bucks? I mean that’s a lot of money for a dress, but reasonable.

 

WIFE:           I said designer. Not bought from Ross.

HUSBAND:     So what 100? (wife gestures up) 200? (wife gestures up) 300? (big gesture) Okay 700? (she gestures up again) more than 700 dollars? (she goes the biggest gesture) Okay.... I'm going to say something really crazy. $1000 dollars? (pause, and wife puts hands up again) MORE THAN 1000 dollars???

 

WIFE:          (acting distraught)  YES!

 

HUSBAND:   We are going to have to start selling stuff.

WIFE:          NOOO

HUSBAND:    We are going to have to sell the house. The car. (pause) We are going to have to sell the kids.

WIFE:            Not the children.

HUSBAND:   Goodbye Timmy (Husband pretend kicks a football) Your mother picked a dress over you.

WIFE:          No not Timmy!! (stage whisper)  He's my favorite.

HUSBAND:  What?

WIFE:           What? (big pause) It wasn’t my fault!

 

HUSBAND:    What do you mean it wasn’t your fault?

 

WIFE:              I mean it wasn't my fault.

 

HUSBAND:    Did you swipe the credit card?!

 

WIFE:             Yes…

 

HUSBAND:    Did someone else make you swipe the credit card?

 

WIFE:              NO!!!!

 

HUSBAND:    Then who’s fault was it?!

 

WIFE:             IT WAS THE DEVIL'S FAULT.

 

(Silence.  Husband and wife both look at each other)

 

WIFE:             The devil made me do it... He made me buy a dress.

 

HUSBAND:    Really? Okay, yeah I wanna hear this.

 

WIFE:             Me too. . . (moves husbands face in the direction of invisible story) There I was, in the mall.  I didn’t look to my left and I didn’t look to my right. Just like you taught me!

 

HUSBAND:    That’s my girl!

 

WIFE:             But you never said I couldn't look straight ahead.

 

HUSBAND:    It was implied.

 

WIFE:              And there she was. Miss Scarlet! I took a look at her price tag and said *gasp* my husband would kill me if I bought this dress.

 

HUSBAND:     (looking at price tag) Yes. Yes I would.

 

WIFE:             But he wouldn't kill me if i just. . . tried her on.

 

HUSBAND:     I might. . .

 

WIFE:            So I took her into the dressing room, tried her on and she fit perfectly! But that’s when it happened honey!

 

HUSBAND:    When what happened??

 

WIFE:             (wife looks around, and then to the audience, puts her hands to her head like horns) The devil!!!! He slithered into the dressing room! And I was like, “What are you doing in the lady’s room?” and he was like, “buy the dress, (your name)!” and I said, “No! My husband would kill me!” and then do you know what he said?

 

HUSBAND:    “Buy the dress.”

 

WIFE:              And I said no, but then he said-

 

(Points at husband each time for him to answer, each yes and no gets bigger)

 

HUSBAND:    Yes!

 

WIFE:             And I said no! And he said-

 

HUSBAND:    Yes!

 

WIFE:             No-

 

HUSBAND:    Yes!

 

WIFE:              No-

 

HUSBAND:    (yells, caught up in the character) Yes! You buy that dress now!! (husband covers mouth, looking ashamed)

 

WIFE:              (matter-of-factly) So I had to buy the dress.

 

HUSBAND:    Well, why didn’t you just tell the devil to get behind you?

 

WIFE:              Oh I did!

 

HUSBAND:    And what’d he do???

 

WIFE:              (snapping fingers) He said I looked good from behind too!!