New Dress

 1st Gen.

WIFE:             Honey….  Honey honey honey guess what I did today!


HUSBAND:   (Sighs) You didn’t wreck the car again did you?


WIFE:             No, of course not… that was last week. But guess what I did today!


HUSBAND:    I don’t wanna guess, just tell me.


WIFE:             No, guess! Guess! Guess!


HUSBAND:    No, I don’t want to-


WIFE:             Guess guess guess guess!!


HUSBAND:    (fed up and yells) Just tell me!


WIFE:             Ok ok! I bought something.


HUSBAND:    Oh no (smacks his head) what did you buy?


WIFE:             The most beautiful dress I’ve ever seen.


HUSBAND:    (sighs) How much did it cost?


WIFE:             It was just so amazing. Long, beautiful, red, shiny…..


(As the wife keeps describing the dress, the husband keeps reaching out for her attention with sayings like, “How much did it cost”)


HUSBAND:    (sharply) Honey!


(The wife pauses in her tracks)


HUSBAND:    Look at me.


(The wife turns her head slightly to him, but keeps her eyes to the audience)


 HUSBAND:    Look me in the eyes. (She looks him in the eyes) How much did it cost?


WIFE:              I can’t tell you that.


HUSBAND:    What?! What do you mean you can’t tell me that?


WIFE:             If I tell you, you’re gonna get mad and start yelling at me.


HUSBAND:    (calm) Well, first of all (yells) I don’t yell!


WIFE:             You’re yelling right now.


HUSBAND:    Secondly, I have to know how much it cost because I pay for the stuff around here. I pay for the house insurance, the car insurance, the car insurance upon that car insurance because you wrecked the car last week! (Tries to calm down) Now tell me… how much… did it cost?


WIFE:             Well remember honey, it was a designer dress.


HUSBAND:    What does that even mean?


WIFE:             It means it has its own name.


HUSBAND:    It’s own name?


WIFE:              Her name is (proud) miss scarlet.


HUSBAND:    So how much did Miss Scarlet cost?


WIFE:             Well, remember it is a one of a kind.


HUSBAND:    Ok, so what like 50 bucks? I mean that’s a lot of money for a dress, but reasonable. (wife making faces) What? More than 50 dollars? (Wife sticks her hand out and palms it upward) 100? (palms it again) 200? (palm) 300? (palm) 400? (palm) 500? (palm) 600? (palm) 700? (palm) More than 700 dollars? (points up) 800? (points) 900? (points) 1,000???? (wife stretches arm all the way up and points as high as she can) MORE THAN 1000 dollars???


WIFE:             Now wait, before you get upset, it wasn’t my fault!


HUSBAND:    What do you mean it wasn’t your fault?


WIFE:              It wasn’t!


HUSBAND:    Did you swipe the credit card?!


WIFE:             Yes…


HUSBAND:    Did someone else make you swipe the credit card?


WIFE:              No…


HUSBAND:    Then who’s fault was it?!


WIFE:             The Devil’s!


(Silence.  Husband and wife both look at each other)


WIFE:             The devil made me do it... yea, he made me do it!


HUSBAND:    Really? Okay, yeah I wanna hear this.


WIFE:             Okay… well imagine this! (moves husbands face in the direction of invisible story) There I was, in the mall, and I didn’t look to my left and I didn’t look to my right. Just like you taught me!


HUSBAND:    That’s my girl!


WIFE:             But you never said I couldn't look straight ahead!


HUSBAND:    That’s not my girl…


WIFE:              And that’s when I saw it! The most beautiful dress I’d ever seen! So I ran in to the dressing room and tried it on! And it fit perfectly! But that’s when it happened honey!


HUSBAND:    When what happened??


WIFE:             The devil!!!! He slithered into the dressing room! And I was like, “What are you doing in the lady’s room?” and he was like, “buy the dress, Bella!” and I said, “No! My husband would kill me!” and then do you know what he said?


HUSBAND:    “Buy the dress.”


WIFE:              And I said no, but then he said-


(Points at husband each time for him to answer)


HUSBAND:    Yes!


WIFE:             And I said no! And he said-


HUSBAND:    Yes!


WIFE:             No-


HUSBAND:    Yes!


WIFE:              No-


HUSBAND:    (yells, caught up in the character) Yes! You buy that dress now!!


WIFE:              (matter-of-factly) So I had to buy the dress.


HUSBAND:    Well, why didn’t you just tell the devil to get behind you?


WIFE:              Oh I did!


HUSBAND:    And then what’d he say???


WIFE:              He said I looked good from behind too!!


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