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Miss Daisy

1st Gen.

(2 chairs on stage, a car; woman sitting in drivers side honking, man offstage comes running on)

MISS DAISY:     (honking horn) Honk! Honk honk honk!

PASSENGER:    I'm coming, Miss Daisy! I'm coming! (opens door and sits down)

MISS DAISY:     Well, hello, boy! I'm so glad you could come to church with me today! I remember looking out my window at you. (as Miss Daisy says these things the passenger reacts "that's not me" until the last one) Smoking them heathen cigarettes, drinking that heathen alcohol, with your heathen friends.

PASSENGER:    Oh, that was me.

MISS DAISY:     And I said, "Lord! If you would just bring that boy to me I would get him to church and get him saved." And that is what we're gonna do today. We're gonna get you saved. Yep, you gonna be saved, boy.

PASSENGER:    Miss Daisy, you keep saying this word "saved". What does that even mean?

MISS DAISY:     (gasp) You mean you don't know what it means to washed in Jesus' blood?

PASSENGER:    Ew! Who wants to take a blood bath? That's disgusting.

MISS DAISY:     It's an analogy, boy. Have you at least heard the analogy of the worm and butterfly?

PASSENGER:    Um, you mean the caterpillar and the butterfly?

MISS DAISY:     No, boy. It's a worm. I know what I said. Well, you're gonna learn today. Get out your worm. (holds up one finger to represent worm)

PASSENGER:    I'm not gonna get out my worm, miss Daisy.

MISS DAISY:     Get out your worm. (sing song)

PASSENGER:    Miss Daisy, I'm a grown man. I'm not gonna - 

MISS DAISY:     Get out your worm, boy!

PASSENGER:    (fingers pops up quickly) It's out!

MISS DAISY:     Now this worm is rolling in the dirt over here. (rolls finger to the left and motions for passenger to follow) And he's rolling in the dirt over there. (rolls finger to the right) And this worm? He's nasty.


MISS DAISY:     Well, one day this worm is gonna crawl up into a cocoon and become a beautiful butterfly. (motions hands to become a butterfly)

(Passenger now reaches for wheel since she let go and Miss Daisy reacts and grabs wheel confidently)

PASSENGER:    Oh, Miss Daisy. I know what you're saying. You're saying I'm a beautiful butterfly.

MISS DAISY:     Ha! No, boy. You the worm! You nasty! I'm the butterfly. And when you get saved Jesus is gonna teach you all kinds of things.

PASSENGER:    Like what?

MISS DAISY:     Like kindness for one. Kindness is important in this world. Without kindness - (sees someone cut her off straight ahead) did you see that?

PASSENGER:    See what?

MISS DAISY:     That lady just cut me off?

PASSENGER:    The Prius? Miss Daisy, she's a mile ahead and used a blinker. Perfectly legal.

MISS DAISY:     Oh no, boy. A cut off is a cut off. We're gonna teach her a lesson. (hands Bible to Passenger) Hold my Bible, we're gonna ram her! (hits gas and flings head back, screaming; Passenger reacts accordingly. After a moment passes, jerk wheel to the left and then sit back up) Oh no. I just missed her.

PASSENGER:    Miss Daisy, are you crazy? You almost hit that woman.

MISS DAISY:     And Lord willin' I will next time. (notices Bible in Passenger's hands) What are you doing with my Bible?

PASSENGER:    You gave it to me.

MISS DAISY:     (takes Bible back) Boy, this Bible is for Christian's only. (hits Passenger with Bible repeatedly) Now what was I saying?

PASSENGER:    I don't know. Something about kindness, which you need.

MISS DAISY:     Oh yeah! Kindness! Jesus is also gonna teach you about love.

PASSENGER:    Oh, I know about love, miss Daisy. I have a girlfriend.

MISS DAISY:     Not that kind of love, you nasty. I'm talking about a good Christianly love. A love from the Lord. Love makes the world go - (sees someone off to the right a little bit) Oh no! Do you see that?

PASSENGER:    See what?

MISS DAISY:     That lady over there. That is miss Carolina! You know what miss Carolina dun did?

PASSENGER:    What did miss Carolina dun do?

MISS DAISY:     She dun killed her husband for the insurance money and bought herself a new Mustang!

PASSENGER:    That's horrible. Someone should do something.

MISS DAISY:     You're right! We should teach her a lesson. Here, (shoves Bible into Passenger's chest) hold my Bible! We're gonna ram her! (again, hits gas and flings head back, screaming; Passenger reacts the same. Again, jerk wheel to the left and then sit back up) Just missed her!

PASSENGER:    (rolls down window) I'm sorry, miss Carolina! Don't call the cops! (rolls window back up and hugs Bible to chest while rocking back and forth slightly) I don't wanna go back to jail. I don't wanna go back to jail.

MISS DAISY:     Boy, what are you doing with my Bible?

PASSENGER:    I'm hugging it!

MISS DAISY:     (takes Bible back) I told you already, this Bible is for Christian's only! (hits Passenger repeatedly with Bible) Now what was I talking about?

PASSENGER:    I don't know. Love?

MISS DAISY:     Oh yeah. Love. Jesus is also gonna teach you about patience.

PASSENGER:    Oh no, miss Daisy. I don't need to learn about patience. I've learnt enough.

MISS DAISY:     Patience is a virtue, boy. It's a fruit of the Spirit. Without patience... without... (slowly stops talking and starts looking around before having an outburst) What is all of this? What is all of this TRAFFIC!?

PASSENGER:    Miss Daisy, if you would have opened your eyes and stopped trying to hit people, you would've noticed signs back for miles. There's construction. It'll be a few minutes.

MISS DAISY:     A few minutes? I don't have time for that. They'll make me late for church. (rolls downs window) Hey, worker! Yoohoo, worker! (angrily) Hey, worker! (pause in shock for a moment) Oh no, he did not.

PASSENGER:    No, he didn't, Miss Daisy. No, he didn't.

MISS DAISY:     He just flipped me off!

PASSENGER:    No, he didn't. He said one moment, miss Daisy. He said one moment.

MISS DAISY:     We're gonna teach him a lesson. Hold my Bible! We're gonna ram him.

PASSENGER:    (shouting out window) RUN!

(this time after hitting the gas and throwing your head back, both of you at the same time will jump up out of your chairs like you ran a person over)

MISS DAISY:     I got him!

PASSENGER:    You just hit someone!

MISS DAISY:     We're gonna get them all! (throw head back and scream and rock back and forth)

PASSENGER:    (as you're both still speeding) Stop the car, miss Daisy! Stop the car!

MISS DAISY:     (hit the brakes dramatically)

PASSENGER:    (hits head against Bible) What is your problem?

MISS DAISY:     My problem is my aim! And what are you doing with my Bible?

PASSENGER:    Nothing. (throws Bible in arm to land in Miss Daisy's arms)

MISS DAISY:     And now you're throwing the Holy Word. This Bible is for Christian's only! (hits Passenger repeatedly)

PASSENGER:    Miss Daisy! Is everyone at your church like this?

MISS DAISY:     Of course! They're all beautiful butterflies, just like me.

PASSENGER:    That's what I'm afraid of. I'm too young to die. I'm out of here. (runs off stage)

MISS DAISY:     Well, fine. I'll go to church by myself. I'm not gonna be late.


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