Let Us Pray
(A southern woman stands talking to a friend on the phone. Brittany walks in.)
MICAH: (on phone) Mmhmm. Miss Daisy she came in here wearing the exact same thing as me and I had never been so insulted in my very life! ANYWAY..
BRITTANY: Well, hey there, Miss Micah.
MICAH: I have to go hun. She's here (hangs up phone) Hi, miss Brittany. You just look so lovely today.
BRITTANY: Oh this old thing? I only wear it when I don’t care what I look like!
MICAH: Obviously hun.. Now, Miss Brittany, I called you over here for a very important reason!
BRITTANY: What's what?
MICAH: We need to pray for this church!
BRITTANY: Alright, let us pray! (starts to fold hands)
MICAH: But before we do, don't you wanna know why? (Micah looks over her shoulder to see if anyone is around. She lowers her voice) Did you hear about Mrs. Jenny?
BRITTANY: Lord have mercy, no, I have not!
MICAH: Well, before I go on, let me just say... (Micah closes her eyes and raise a hand in prayer) Bless her heart Lord! Bless it! (Brittany follows suit) For she is just a precious as the diamonds on Queen Elizabeth's crown!
BRITTANY: Ooo pretty!
MICAH: But she has fallen into the ARMS OF ANOTHER MAN!
BRITTANY: Not the arms of another man!
MICAH: Yes, the arms of another man! You didn’t hear this from me, but I’m pretty sure it has something to do with her clinical depression.
BRITTANY: That's just awful.
MICAH: It is. (Micah notices Jenny) Oh here she comes now!
(Both of them smile and wave as invisible Jenny passes by.)
BOTH: Heeeeey, Mrs. Jenny!
BRITTANY: You look so cute today!
MICAH: Isn't that skirt a little short for church hun? It's below the knees. BELOW. THEM.
BRITTANY: Uhhhh,(trying to change topic) we're praying for you.
MICAH: Mmhm. Praying... (Hold it for a few beats, then gasp) Did you see her face!?!
BRITTANY: Yes, I saw her face!
MICAH: Now that was just the very face of depression!
BRITTANY: Not the very face of depression.
MICAH: Yes the very face of depression. It’s just like the devil's got his meaty hands and he's beating her face over, and over, and over again!
BRITTANY: Oh my! Her poor ugly face.
MICAH: It is just that. . . ugly.
BRITTANY: We really should pray!
MICAH: Yes, (beat) but, it's not entirely her fault now is it? (Micah looks around to see if anyone can hear) Did you uhh... Did you hear about her kids?
BRITTANY: Oh no, Lord have mercy, I have not!
MICAH: Well before I go on, let me just say. . . bless their hearts Lords. Bless 'em. All 18 of 'em! For they are just as sweet as a cup of southern sweet tea.
BRITTANY: OOOO that is sweet!
MICAH: But they are hooligans, I tell you!
BRITTANY: Ahhh, not hooligans!
MICAH: Yes, hooligans! Headed down the path of destruction!
BRITTANY: Not the path of destruction!
MICAH: (cutting Brittany off) The path of destruction! They going down, down, down the slippery slope right down to H-E Double hockey sticks itself!
BRITTANY: Well, we really should pray for them!
MICAH: We should. Oh look, here they come now!
(They both smile and wave as the invisible kids pass by.)
BOTH: Heeeyyy, children.
MICAH: You all just look (all the kids run by) oh oh. . . Oh of course.. Run in the church. Stand all over them pews. . . Do WHATEVER you like.. apparently....
BRITTANY: Oh, there is so many of them. Where'd that little red headed one come from?
MICAH: Business trip. (starts fake crying) Why must we blame the young?
BRITTANY: We're blaming the young!?
MICAH: Yes you are! But it's not entirely their fault now is it?
BOTH: (shaking their heads at the same time) nooooooo.
MICAH: Someone taught them to be that way.
BOTH: (nodding their heads) yessss.
MICAH: And I know who it is! Have you uhhhh.... (looks around) Did you hear about her husband Roger?
BRITTANY: Oh, Lord have mercy, I haven’t. Pray tell!
MICAH: I will tell you so that we can pray! (They laugh) Bless his heart! Bless it for he--
BRITTANY: YES LORD!! (falls to her knees) MEET US WHERE YOUR AT GOD. WE ARE NEEDY SINNERS IN NEED. COVER THIS CHURCH WITH YOUR BLOOD.
(While this is happening, Micah tries to continue but can't because Brittany keeps interrupting)
MICAH: What are you doing? You're making a scene. (Micah pulls Brittany up) There are people watching.
BRITTANY: I'm sorry. I was just praying.
MICAH: ANYWAY. Like I was saying. He has fallen into the computer of temptation!
BRITTANY: NOT THE COMPUTER OF---!
MICAH: Miss Brittany! If I say it you don't need to repeat it. Now, He is watching the devil’s counterfeit of love every single night!
BRITTANY: Oh, that is just nasty.
MICAH: It is just that.. (She gasps for air) OH, here he comes now!
(BRITTANY smiles, MICAH doesn't and wave at invisible Roger)
BOTH: Heeeeyyy, Roger!
MICAH: Heard you upgraded your wifi? Why's that?
BRITTANY: LIKE FOR DISNEY + ? For the Children?
MICAH: OR HBO FOR THE ADULTS?
(Huge awkward pause, Brittany is sweating and uncomfortable, trying to change topic, roger finally leaves)
MICAH: DID YOU SEE THE LOOK ON HIS FACE?
BRITTANY: NO! I was looking anywhere BUT his face!
MICAH: Well, I hate to be the bearing of ugly news, since I'm so pretty. But Miss Brittany, he gave you, AND ONLY YOU, the up and down (hand gesture up and down)!
BRITTANY: It's because I didn't button my collar all the way up! Lord forgive me. I have been used as a tool for the devil!
MICAH: That was the very face of an unsaved man.
BRITTANY: Not the face of an unsaved man!
MICAH: Now we REALLY must pray. We gotta pray for the floozie, Miss Jenny. For her hooligan snot-nosed kids. And for her husband Roger, and his un-sanctified eyes.... LET US PRAY.
BRITTANY: Um, Miss Micah, I hate to interrupt our prayer meeting-
MICAH: Then don't.
BRITTANY: But um, aren’t we, uh, gossiping?
MICAH: (gasps) Gossiping?!
BRITTANY: Yes, gossiping!
MICAH: Oh no, hun, where I come from, we call these, prayer requests!