Let Us Pray
(A southern woman stands waiting for her friend. Friend walks in.)
MICAH: (on phone) Mmhmm. Miss Daisy she came in here wearing the exact same thing as me and I had never been so insulted in my very life! ANYWAY..
BRITTANY: Well, hey there, Miss Micah.
MICAH: I have to go hun. She's here (hangs up phone) Hi, miss Brittany. You just look so lovely today.
BRITTANY: Oh this old thing? I only wear it when I don’t care what I look like!
MICAH: Obviously hun.. Now, Miss Brittany, I called you over here for a very important reason!
MICAH: We need to pray for this church!
BRITTANY: Alright, let us pray! (starts to fold hands)
MICAH: But before we do, don't you wanna know why? (Micah looks over her shoulder to see if anyone is around. She lowers her voice) Did you hear about Mrs. Jenny?
BRITTANY: Lord have mercy, no, I have not!
MICAH: Well, (They both close their eyes and raise a hand in prayer) bless her heart Lord! Bless it! for she is just a precious as the diamonds on Queen Elizabeths crown!
BRITTANY: Ooo pretty!
MICAH: But she has fallen into the ARMS OF ANOTHER MAN!
BRITTANY: Not the arms of another man!
MICAH: Yes, the arms of another man! You didn’t hear this from me, but I’m pretty sure it has something to do with her clinical depression. (notices Jenny) Oh here she comes now!
(Both of them smile and wave as invisible Jenny passes by.)
BOTH: Heeeeey, Mrs. Jenny!
BRITTANY: You look so cute today!
MICAH: Yes but that skirt. It's below the knees honey. BELOW. THEM. Okay?
BRITTANY: We're praying for you.
MICAH: Mmhm. Praying... Alright, bye-bye now. (Micah's pose switches dramatically) Did you see her face!?!
BRITTANY: Yes, I saw her face!
MICAH: Now that was just the face of depression!
BRITTANY: Not the face of depression.
MICAH: It’s just like the devil has his hands curled up in a fist and he's beating her face over, and over, and over again!
BRITTANY: Oh my! Her poor ugly face.
MICAH: It is just that. . . ugly.
BRITTANY: We really should pray!
MICAH: Yes, but, it's not entirely her fault now is it? (Micah looks around to see if anyone can hear) Did you hear about her kids now?
BRITTANY: Oh no, Lord have mercy, I have not!
MICAH: Well before I go onlet me just say. . . bless their hearts Lords. All 18 of 'em! For they are just as sweet as a cup as a glass southern sweet tea.
BRITTANY: OOOO that is sweet!
MICAH: But they are hooligans, I tell you!
BRITTANY: Ahhh, not hooligans!
MICAH: Yes, hooligans! Headed down the path of destruction!
BRITTANY: Not the path of destruction!
MICAH: (cutting Brittany off) The path of destruction! They going down, down, down the slippery slope right down to H-E Double hockey sticks itself!
BRITTANY: Well, we really should pray on behalf of all of them!
MICAH: Oh, here they come now!
(They both smile and wave as the invisible kids pass by.)
BOTH: Heeeyyy, children.
MICAH: You all just look (all the kids run by) oh oh. . . Oh of course.. Run in the church. Stand all over them pews. . . Do WHATEVER you like.. apparently
BRITTANY: Oh, there is so many of them. Where'd that little red headed one come from?
MICAH: Business trip. (starts fake crying) Why must we blame the young?
BRITTANY: We're blaming the young!?
MICAH: Yes, but it's not entirely their fault now is it?
BRITTANY: It isn't?
MICAH: No, someone taught them to be that way. And I know who it is! (looks around) Did you hear about her husband Roger?
BRITTANY: Oh, Lord have mercy, I haven’t. Pray tell!
MICAH: Oh, I will tell you so that we can pray! (They laugh) Bless his heart! Bless it for he--
BRITTANY: YES LORD!! (falls to her knees) MEET US WHERE YOURE AT GOD. WE ARE NEEDY SINNERS IN NEED. COVER THIS CHURCH WITH YOUR BLOOD.
(While this is happening, Micah tries to continue but can't because Brittany keeps interupting)
MICAH: What are you doing? You're making a scene. There are people watching.
BRITTANY: I'm sorry. I was just praying.
MICAH: ANYWAY. Like I was saying. He has fallen into the computer of temptation!
BRITTANY: NOT THE COMPUTER OF---!
MICAH: Miss Brittany! If I say it you don't need to repeat it. He is watching the devil’s counterfeit of love every single night!
BRITTANY: Oh, that is just nasty.
MICAH: It is just that.. (She gasps for air) OH, here he comes now!
(They smile and wave at invisible Roger)
BOTH: Heeeeyyy, Roger!
MICAH: Heard you upgraded your wifi? Why's that? You got a lot of things to watch on the internet do ya?
BRITTANY: LIKE DISNEY + ? For the Children?
MICAH: AND HBO FOR THE ADULTS?
BRITTANY: AHH WE SHOULDN'T HOLD YOU UP. I KNOW YOU ARE BUSY. GOODBYE NOW
MICAH: AND good ridence! (pause) You see the look on his face?
BRITTANY: No I was looking at the ground.
MICAH: Well, I hate to spread ugly rumors around and all, since I'm so pretty. But Miss Brittany, he gave you, and only you, the old UP AND DOWN!
BRITTANY: Not the up and down! I have been used as a tool for the devil! I will button my collar to the top, Lord!
MICAH: You better. He looked at you with face of an unsaved man!
BRITTANY: Not the face of an unsaved man!
MICAH: Now we REALLY must pray. We gotta pray for the floosy, Miss Jenny. For her hooligan snot-nosed kids. And for her husband Roger, and his unsanctified eyes.... LET US PRAY.
BRITTANY: Um, Miss Micah, I hate to interrupt our prayer meeting-
MICAH: Then don't.
BRITTANY: But um, aren’t we, uh, gossiping?
MICAH: (gasps) Gossiping?!
BRITTANY: Yes, gossiping!
MICAH: Oh no, hun, where I come from, we call these, prayer requests!