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Jan and Jen

Abby Marshall + Lauren Doyl

 

(Pastor is on stage and two girls with silly, whiny voices enter)

 

BOTH:      Heeeyyyyy, Paaaaastor! What’s goin’ on? (Both go to shake his hand but one has a dead fish handshake that Pastor can’t grasp and the other crushes his hand)

 

PASTOR:  Hey, Jan. Hey, Jen. I’m—AAAhhh! Ouch, what a handshake!

 

JAN          Yeah, I’ve got an iron grip, pastor!

 

JEN:          She sure does, pastor! But we need to talk to you about some stuff.

 

PASTOR:   Well, ladies, what can I do for you?

 

JEN:          Well, we’ve got just some notes about the church that we think could make it more better!

 

PASTOR:   Well, I’d love to hear your thoughts!

 

JAN:          Weeeelllllll….so pastor, ya know how every communion we drink the juice and eat those crackers?

 

PASTOR:   Yeah?

 

JAN:          Well, those crackers are just so small, I mean come on, pastor! That’s just half a nibble!

 

JEN:          Yeah, it’s supposed to be the body of christ, but what are those crackers? His pinkie toe?

 

JAN:          And after that cracker we only get a teeny tiny sip of juice to swallow it down! My mouth is so dry after the cracker, come on, Pastor! Can we get just a little bit more?

 

PASTOR:   Oh, well I had no idea that that was a problem for you, but communion is really more about the remembering of Christ’s sacrifice than having a snack. 

 

BOTH:       But Paaaaastor we’re hungry!!

 

JEN:          And another thing! Ya know those bibles you have on the table in the back?

 

PASTOR:   Yes, what--

 

JAN:          Well, ya know how they’re all like that King James Version and its really hard to understand ‘cause it’s got all the thee’s…

 

JEN:          and the thou’s…

 

JAN:          and the (says it wrong) thutheth

 

PASTOR:   The what?

 

JAN:          (says it wrong again) the thutheth

 

PASTOR:   The what??

  

JAN:          (struggles) The- the – thu- SEE THIS IS WHY WE NEED NEW BIBLES PASTOR!

 

JEN:          Yeah, we were thiiiinkin’..how about a newer version? Like some ESV ones?

 

JAN:          I thought we agreed on NIV, Jen!

 

JEN:          No, we decided on ESV, Jan!

 

JAN:          No, it's definitely NIV, Jen!!

 

(Both bicker over bible versions moving in with the pastor getting squished)

 

PASTOR:   Girls! Girls! Does it really matter which version I have? It’s not about the  “thee’s” or “thou’s”. It’s the message that’s important.

 

JAN:          Oh, we don’t like the message version either!

 

JEN:          Yeah, when I’m watching service I wanna follow along with a version I’m comfortable with!

 

PASTOR:   What about bringing your own bibles?

 

BOTH:      (Pause briefly) But Paaaaaastooooor! We forget!

 

JEN:          Yeah, I can’t be expected to remember EVERYTHING! Am I right?

 

JAN:          Yeah, you’re right. Pastor, just work on those bibles, okay?

 

JEN:          Hey, Pastor, another thing! Ya know those handicapped parking spots right by the entrance?

 

PASTOR:   Yes, what’s wrong with those?

 

JAN:          Weeeellll, we’ve been coming to this church for a while now and we like to get up kinda late on Sundays and the only parking spots left are really far away and then we have to walk aaaaallllll the way to the front door!

 

JEN:         Yeah, it’s a real bother, Pastor, so do ya think we can maybe get some special, like, “All-American, don’t wanna hafta walk EVERY week” parking spaces?

 

JAN:         Yeah, it’s only fair, Pastor.

 

PASTOR:   Ladies, we reserve closer spots for visitors! I understand your concerns, but I don’t know what to do about that. Why don’t you just arrive earlier?

 

BOTH:       But Paaaaaastoooooor! We’re tired!

 

JAN:          Ya know, I hate to say it, Pastor, but if this kinda stuff doesn’t get fixed, we may have to find another church!

 

JEN:          Yeah, we need to go to church somewhere that has the right priorities.

 

JAN:          Well, we gotta go, we’ll see ya later Pastor! 

 

(Jan and Jen discuss on their way out)

 

JAN:          I think we should make the music quieter.

 

JEN:          I think it’s too loud!

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PASTOR:   (exhales) Those girls will be the death of me! That’s not what church is about...What ever happened to keeping the focus on the love of Christ? But they are right, those crackers ARE small.

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THE END