(Alex and Andy are in a workout gym stretching and getting ready for their spiritual fitness coach.)
ALEX: I’m glad I finally found someone to disciple me.
ANDY: I know me too. You know, it’s crazy how many Christians there are and yet nobody wants to disciple anyone.
ALEX: At least this person’s willing to coach us. I can’t wait to learn.
ANDY: Yeah, and he calls himself a spiritual fitness coach. He said to meet him at this gym and start stretching. I’m sure there’s like a strong spiritual metaphor for this. we’re about to get so spiritually fit it’s not even funny.
(In walks Girby Gabble behind them. Sloppy by nature, Girby wears a “lettuce Pray” shirt that’s two sizes two small. Girby does not look qualified to be the spiritual coach. Girby sneaks in behind the two.)
GIRBY: (jumps up behind them and yells) Sneak Attack!
(The two scream. Girby confidently struts in front of them.)
GIRBY: (paces the stage in a bragging way) Did I startle you?
(Alex and Andy try to calm down)
ALEX: Yes, you did!
GIRBY: Rule Number one, Always be ready for any and all attacks. I’m Girby Gabble and I’ll be your spiritual fitness coach.
ANDY: Oh great it’s so nice to meet you. I’m Andy.
ALEX: I’m Alex. We’re so excited to be discipled.
GIRBY: As you should be! I’ve discipled many people in my day. Have you ever heard of Billy Graham?
GIRBY: Well, I think you’ll be impressed to know I once discipled a guy named Billy. You’re both in good hands. Now first things first, tell me your names.
ANDY: Uh… we just told you our names.
GIRBY: Are you doubting me?
(Girby Walks up to Andy and gets uncomfortably close to Andy’s face.)
GIRBY: (whispers) Who am I?
ANDY: You are… Girby Gable?
GIRBY: (Yells in Andy’s face) I am you’re spiritual fitness coach Girby Gable!
(Girby steps away)
GIRBY: Rule number one, never doubt your coach.
ALEX: I thought rule number one was be ready for any and all attacks?
(Girby blows his whistle)
GIRBY: Stand at attention!
(Alex and Andy clamor to stand side by side. They are now at attention)
GIRBY: We’re gonna do some drills! (blows whistle) Pray!
(Alex and Andy look at each other then quietly bow their heads and put their hands together)
GIRBY: What are you doing?
ALEX: We’re praying…
(Girby runs to Alex and gets uncomfortably close)
GIRBY: What is your name?
ALEX: I’m… My name is Alex.
GIRBY: Apex? What kind of name is Apex?
ALEX: It’s not. My name is Alex.
GIRBY: Well listen here Alan, if that is indeed your name-
ALEX: It’s not-
GIRBY: I’ve been around the block a few times. I know what it takes to be a Christian. So don’t question my authority.
(Girby backs up and goes back to ordering them around)
GIRBY: When it comes to praying, don’t be quiet about it. (Girby does weird movements) Move your body to show everyone around you that you are praying better than the others.
ANDY: You want us to look like we’re praying better than others?
GIRBY: (Mocks) You want people to look like- (Snaps) Yes Candy!
ANDY: It’s Andy!
GIRBY: Out pray everyone! Start to pray. I’ll show you.
(Alex and Andy begin praying and Girby yells Hallelujah and jumps all around and uses spirit fingers)
GIRBY: It’s like that.
ALEX: (to Andy) Did he use spirit fingers?
GIRBY: Now you go. (Blows whistle) pray.
(Alex and Andy start doing some of Girby’s moves while saying Hallelujah)
GIRBY: Get more into it! Do pushups with it.
(They try doing pushups)
GIRBY: Don’t lay there. Get up! Go crazy!
(In frustration they jump up. One runs around Girby while the other just stand directly in front of Girby and screams in Girby’s face)
GIRBY: (Blows whistle, they both stop thinking they’ll get in trouble.) Good job. (Alex and Andy go back to attention.) Now when it comes to prayer, the words are important.
ANDY: Okay cool now we’re learning.
GIRBY: This is the best prayer you could pray, so repeat after me. Dear God.
BOTH: Dear God.
GIRBY: Thank you for this food. Amen.
BOTH: Thank you for this…
ALEX: Shouldn’t there be more than that? Like thanking him or quoting a bible verse.
GIRBY: Sure Aldrin, if that’s what you want.
ALEX: My name is still Alex.
GIRBY: If you want, you can quote a good verse. Like Matthew 5:11.
ANDY: Oh yeah, “Blessed are you when they persecute you for my sake.”
GIRBY: No, that’s not what it says. Matthew 5:11 is For God so loved the world.
ALEX: No, that’s John 3:16.
GIRBY: No, that’s Jesus wept. (Girby laughs at Alex) Why would you wanna quote that in prayer?
(Alex and Andy look at each other in concern)
GIRBY: Yes Randy?
ANDY: My name is… It doesn’t matter. Girby, I’m a little concerned about what you’re teaching us.
ALEX: Yeah I mean, some of this teaching doesn’t makes sense. Where did you learn all this stuff?
ANDY: Yeah who taught you?
GIRBY: What do you mean who taught me? Nobody taught me.
GIRBY: You’ve been to church. I asked to be discipled. I asked everyone; pastors, leaders, people who’ve been in church for years. They all said they were too busy. One guy said yes, but all he did was take me to lunch. Then I never saw him again. So I had to learn on my own. And now I’m teaching you what I learned.
ANDY: Well thank you Girby for teaching us, but I think we’re gonna go somewhere else.
(Andy starts to walk away and Alex grabs Andy’s arm)
ANDY: Alex, we can’t possibly be taught by Girby Gabble.
ALEX: I know his stuff isn’t all correct, but we want to be taught and nobody else will disciple us.
(Alex steps forward to the audience)
ANDY: (Reluctantly) Okay Girby Gabble. Go ahead and teach us.
GIRBY: (happy) Great! Sandy and Relics, lets practice our prayer movements.
(Girby blows whistle and they dance and run around saying Hallelujah) Dear Lord, thank you for hearing my cry!