DEMONS TELLING GHOST STORIES
(Three demons stand in the center of the stage and tell ghost stories. Each demon have funny voices, faces, and hand gestures. )
DEMON 1: So there they were: All 120 people waiting in a dark attic. Then all of a sudden one of them starts talking in an unfamiliar tongue. Then their foreheads grew hot and there was fire all around them and do you know what that fire was?!?!
DEMON 2: No tell us!
DEMON 3: GET ON WITH IT!
DEMON 1: THE HOLY GHOST!
(All three demons scream and run around in their own circles. One with arms in the air flailing, one with arms dragging on the ground flailing, and one flailing in a different manner.)
DEMON 3: That scared the Beelzebub out of me!
DEMON 2: Did they at least die?!
DEMON 1: No. They all lived-eternally! Thousands were saved after it was a total nightmare for the entire devil community.
DEMON 2: Oh, how I love holy GHOST STORIES!
DEMON 3: Hey what time is it?
DEMON 1: Uh. 10pm.
DEMON 2: Oh, shouldn’t someone go upstairs and do the nightly routine of tormenting old Pastor Choo before he goes to bed?
DEMON 1: Oh boo on Choo. Honestly the pastor has really lost his passion. Before he used to bind us and cast us out, and now us out just allows us to do whatever. Like last week I sent my son, you know, the one with 3 arms. Super good at tennis, I’m really proud of him. Well, anyway, he went to give Pastor Choo a measly cough and then Pastor Choo called his wife and said: Mrs Choo! I’m not going to church for a week!
DEMON 2: A WEEK?
DEMON 3: Why did he call her Mrs Choo? Her name is Gloria!
DEMON 2: I mean really, why did they assign 3 very strong and capable demons to old Pastor Choo’s house when he hardly even puts up a fight!?
DEMON 1: Well, he is a Pastor we should at least torment him for his occupational choice. Even though it has grown to be such a bore.
DEMON 3: You’re right; well can we just play cards then?
DEMON 1: NO!
DEMON 3: Why not?
DEMON 1: You cheat!
DEMON 2: We’re demons. We all cheat.
DEMON 1: Well I’ve really been enjoying these ghost stories; it’s been a great time!
DEMON 2: You’re right! I have a spooky story! So there was this man; this man that was so bad and evil that Satan himself said he was good!
DEMON 1 and 3: OOOOhhh that is bad/good!
DEMON 2: He was the reigning champ of killing all Christians! Us demons would sing praises in the streets with the very catchy song.
(They all sing with a very veggiey-taley tune. )
ALL: Saul, Saul slay them all! Saul, Saul slay them all! Saul, Saul slay them aaaaalllllllll!
DEMON 2: yes that one.
DEMON 1 and 3: (Finishing the song) SLAY THEM ALL!
DEMON 2: He even rode on a black horse.
DEMON 3: I do love a good Dark Horse story!
DEMON 2: But one frightfully sunny day! Where the scary butterflies and spooky little creatures frolicked around.
DEMON 1: I have goosepimples!
DEMON 2: He was riding his horse to Damascus then suddenly a terrifying bright light knocked him off his horse and he was sprawled on the cobblestones!
DEMON 3: Oh good so he was afflicted?!
DEMON 2: Yes, blinded even!
DEMON 1: So he was distraught?!
DEMON 2: Yes, afflicted, distraught, and blinded even! Or so we thought, then all of a sudden the scales from his eyes were ripped off and do you know who did it?!
DEMON 3: TELL US!
DEMON 1: IM AFRAID!
DEMON 2: THE HOLY GHOST!
(They all run in terror. )
DEMON 1: That scared the devil out of me.
DEMON 2: Its gets even spookier! He went on to write 2/3rds of the New Testament and he went on to even exercising demons!
DEMON 1: Oh how I hate cardio!
DEMON 2: Oh and worse they changed his name.
DEMON 1: (scoffs) Oh Paul-lease
DEMON 3: I hate Paul. (pause) OOOOoo I know a scary story! I know one! . . . Pastor Choo.
(They all bust out laughing uncontrollably. )
DEMON 3: I mean Pastor Choo really lost his edge. Like he used to have his guard up but now he just accepts everything we throw at him. I mean we gave him pride and he ran with it!
DEMON 2: We gave him laziness and he sat on it!
DEMON 1: The only thing he didn’t quite go with was the scandalous affair!
DEMON 3: That’s because the only single lady in the church was Holga.
DEMON 1 , 2 and 3: Holga. Woof.
DEMON 3: Okay but for real! I know a scary story! This one time it was late at night and I was just in the church, trying to stir up some trouble. When all of a sudden a cleaning lady came through the doors and turned on the lights!
(The demons pause and are confused on why it’s scary.)
DEMON 3: She had the HOLY GHOST!
They all run in fear.
DEMON 1: Well I know a name so scary that it will make all of darkness. Wet. It’s. Pants.
DEMON 2: That’s terrifying what is it?
DEMON 3: I don’t want to know!
DEMON 1: Old pastor Choo.
(They all bust out laughing.)
DEMON 1: Honestly he really lost his passion!
DEMON 3: Sometimes I wish he would just put up a fight to make things interesting!
DEMON 2: Yeah! Hey! (yelling to the ceiling as if making fun of Pastor Choo upstairs) Pastor Choo its called spiritual warfare for a reaaasssonn! I’m Choo, I’m weak! (starts making inaudible mockery)
(Pastor Choo, clearly exhausted, walks on while Demon 2 is clearly mocking him. Demon 2 doesn’t see him.)
DEMON 3: Uh Choo! (Points at the pastor)
DEMON 2: What you got a cold?
DEMON 1: Gizintite!
DEMON 3: No. Choo behind you.
(All the demons turn to see him.)
DEMON 2: Oh phooey it’s just Choo-y. Quick, let’s get him!
(The demons take a step to attack in distinct funny poses but then Choo interrupts them.)
PASTOR CHOO: That’s it! I’m sick and tired of losing sleep. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired! I can’t stand it any longer, now leave!
(The demons mock Choo.)
DEMON 2: Hahaha, Look who’s awake!
DEMON 1: I’m sick. I’m tired.
DEMON 3: Oh look. I’m packing my bags and leaving! NOT!
DEMON 2: Hey listen here. Jesus we know . . .
DEMON 1: Paul we know . . .
DEMON 3: But who are Choo!
(They all laugh at the joke.)
PASTOR CHOO: I admit it. I’ve let you have control over my life, my marriage, emotions, and my ministry for too long! But today, I’m rising up to kick you out in Jesus name!
(The demons get startled.)
DEMON 2: Guys?
PASTOR CHOO: With the power . . .
DEMON 1: I’m scared.
PASTOR CHOO: And the might . . .
DEMON 3; Is he going to say it?
PASTOR CHOO: OF THE HOLY GHOST!
(The demons run in fear and fall on the ground. Pastor strikes an authoritative pose.)
DEMON 3: I KNOW A SCARY STORY! IT’S PASTOR CHOO!