Christians Anonymous

1st Gen.

(5 People, 5 Chairs, & a Bible)

CORRINE:       Thank you for coming to Christians Anonymous!

ALL:                  (Clap)

CORRINE:       I just want to thank you, Joey, for returning this week, we really missed you.

 

JOEY:               Well, it’s good to be back.

CORRINE:       Everyone, I have a treat for you. We have a visitor. Everyone, meet Adam.

 

ALL:                  Hi, Adam. (wave)

 

CORRINE:       Let's make Adam feel a little bit more comfortable and share with him what we do here at Christian’s Anonymous.

ALL:                 (Clap)

 

CORRINE:       Now Julie, would you like to start?

JULIE:              Oh no, miss. I don’t think I could.

 

CORRINE:       Oh sure you can, we believe in you.

 

JULIE:              Alright, if you really think so. (Stands up) Hi, everyone! My name's Julie.

 

ALL - JULIE:    Hi, Julie! (Wave)

 

ADAM:            Hi!

 

JULIE:              Well, I was a…

 

CORRINE:       (Interrupts her) No no no! Did I hear you say, "was"?

 

JULIE:              Well, I was a…

 

CORRINE:       WAS?

JULIE:              I AM an addict. There I said it. And I’m addicted to Bibles. They’d be everywhere. They’d be in the living room, in the

kitchen, in my bedroom! They’d be everywhere. And night and day I’d have to read them. Then this one time I decided I was gonna quit, just go completely cold turkey. So I got all the Bibles, I took them and threw them into the trash, but then that’s when I heard them call me. And they said, "JULIE! JULIE!" (In a creepy voice) "READ ME! READ ME!" So I went in, I picked up the Bible, and I read every blessed word. (Start rubbing hands, frantically) My hands, I can’t get the dirt off my hands, I can’t get the dirt off.

 

ALL - JULIE:    It’s ok, Julie!

 

JULIE:              But then that’s when I found Christians- (pause)

ALL - ADAM:   (All turn head over to Adam at the same time)

JULIE:              Anonymous.

 

ALL:                 (Clap)

CORRINE:       Thank you, Julie. Now, Elizabeth would you like to go next?

 

ELIZABETH:     No, thank you. (This character doesn’t really care)

 

CORRINE:       Oh, come on. SHARE!

ELIZABETH:     I said no thank you. I don’t want to.

 

ALL:                  SHARE!

 

ELIZABETH:     No, thank you.

JOEY:               SHARE! (Yells it)

 

ELIZABETH:     All right! (Stands up)

 

ELIZABETH:     Hi, everyone. My name's Elizabeth.

 

ALL - ADAM:   Hi, Elizabeth!

 

ADAM:             Hi.

 

ELIZABETH:     I used to tell people about Jesus. I mean I told everybody. My mother, my father, my sister, my brother... the milk man, the paper man, the butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker. If they knew me, they knew Jesus. But then one time it got so bad, that I went to the circus!

CORRINE:       Oh honey. You don’t have to tell them this part.

 

ELIZABETH:     No, no. I must. Then I snuck in to the funny car…

 

JULIE:               (Grabs Adam's arm) OH! THIS IS HORRIBLE!

 

ELIZABETH:     And the clown got saved.

 

JULIE:               (Still holding his arm) THE CLOWN! THE CLOWN!

 

ELIZABETH:     But then that’s when I found Christian’s

 

ALL:                  (Look at Adam)

ELIZABETH:     Anonymous. (All clap)

(As Elizabeth sits down Joey jumps up)

JOEY:               I WANNA GO!

CORRINE:       Alright.

 

JOEY:               Hi, my name's Joey.

 

ALL:                  Hi, Joey. (Wave)

 

JOEY:               And I used to pass out...

 

ELIZABETH:    Well, that’s not so bad.

JOEY:               Tracks. I used to pass out tracks. And I had a pouch, and it was right here (points to the side of his pants) I had tracks on everything. I had tracks on healing, and salvation. And I would take these tracks and go, "Do you want a track? (Like he’s handing it to some one) Do you want a track? Track, track, track. The tracks… they're all over me. (act like they are crawling all over you) Get the tracks off of me, get em off!

ALL - ADAM:   (Stand up)

 

CORRINE:       Breathe in and out, in and out. In with the good, out with the bad (everyone sits back down)

 

JOEY:               Thanks! That’s when I found Christians-

 

ALL:                  (look at Adam)

 

JOEY:               Anonymous.

ALL:                  (Clap)

 

CORRINE:       Thank you, Joey. Well, since we have all shared, Adam, would you like to share?

ADAM:            Sure. Well, I was walking this way and - Oh sorry! Hi, my name is Adam.

 

ALL:                 Hi, Adam

 

ADAM:            Anyways. I was walking down the street and I saw the sign, it said Christians Anonymous.

ALL:                 (Clap) Oh! He saw the sign.

ADAM:            Well, I was walking down the street and I saw the sign. It said Christians Anonymous.

 

ALL:                 (Clap)

 

ADAM:            (With a some what smirk) So, I was walking down the street and I saw your sign. It said…

ALL                  (Get ready to clap again)

 

ADAM:            Visitors Welcome. So, I decided to come in and see what you guys were all about, and I realize that I’m not much different than all of you. I read my Bible all the time, in fact I have it right here. (Takes Bible from under his chair and puts it in Julie’s face)

(Julie freaks out, Corrine calms her down)

ADAM:            I pass out tracks all the time.

CORRINE:       He’s multi-phobic!

 

ADAM:            And I got three people saved on the way here.

 

ELIZABETH:    I used to be just like you.

 

ADAM:            Ok, but I think I figured out what the problem is. You're all backsliders. (Point to Julie) You’re a backslider, (Joey) you’re a backslider, (Elizabeth) and you’re a backslider.

ALL:                 (After he says that, they all freak out)

 

CORRINE:       Calm down, calm down! (Stands up) Um, sir. I’m sorry but we don’t use the B word here.

ADAM:            Well, probably not cause you’re the biggest backslider of them all.

 

CORRINE:       (Freaks out)

ALL - ADAM:  (Stand up) Miss Corrine! Miss Corrine!

 

JOEY:              Find your happy place.

 

CORRINE:       (Rubs her head) Happy place. Happy Place.

ALL:                 (Sit down)


CORRINE:       Um, sir. Miss Corrine thinks it’s time for you to leave now.

 

ADAM:            Well, I would be (shoves bible in Julie’s face as he says happy) happy to oblige.

 

(As he leaves he turns and shows them the Bible a couple of times and they all kinda freak out)

JULIE:              Miss Corrine, I have something I’d like to say.

 

CORRINE:       Go ahead.

 

JULIE:              Well, I’m not a backslider, we’re all not backsliders. We’re just a part of Christians…

 

ALL:                 (Look out into the audience) Anonymous.

THE END

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