DAN: Whoa! (looks around) What is this place? Is this Heaven?
DAN: Well, where am I?
ANGEL: You’re in the “What Would Have Happened Room.”
DAN: The “What Would Have Happened Room?”
ANGEL: That’s right! You see those buttons next to you? Those are the “What Would Have Happened” buttons. And you see that big screen right up there in front of us? That‘s the “What Would Have Happened Screen.”
DAN: Okay, let me get this straight. These buttons next to me are the “What Would Have Happened Buttons” that big screen up there in front of us is the “What Have Happened Screen” and this is the “What Would Have Happened Room.” So then who are you?
ANGEL: I’m the “What Would Have Happened” angel.
DAN: You’re an angel? Ha! That’s hilarious! (moves angel’s hand and sits it on his shoulder) So like I’ve been touched by an angel?
ANGEL: You’re about to be punched by an Angel.
DAN: (Changes subject) So you were saying about the buttons…
ANGEL: You are going to push one of those buttons and we are going to see a scene from your life on that big screen, but what would have happened had you made a different choice.
DAN: Cool! So I’m going to be on the Big Screen? Like TV?
ANGEL: Uh…kind of. Go ahead and push a button. Try green.
DAN: Okay, how about the blue button? Whoa! I remember this.
ANGEL: Set this scene up for me. Who are those three guys and what are you guys doing around that car?
DAN: Oh, those are my three best friends: Bob, Bob, and Bob. We were just bobbing around... Yeah…and this was the time they were trying to get me to steal that car.
ANGEL: You stole a car? I cannot believe you have come into my room and you stole a car! I can’t believe this…
DAN: Wait a minute, Angel! I didn’t steal that car.
ANGEL: You didn’t?
DAN: No! You want to know why? Because I am a good person.
ANGEL: Oh, you’re a good person. I see. Well, lets see “what would have happened” had you stolen that car. (Each thing the angel says, Dan mimes) So you’re breaking the car window… And you’re hot wiring it… Now you’re going
into first gear, second, third, fourth, fifth….. What car are you driving?
DAN: I'm driving a ferrari!
ANGEL: What are you really driving?
DAN: A slug bug.
ANGEL: So you're going uphill. And you're going downhill. You level out and what does that sign say?
DAN: (looks up) I’m going to Disney World! Woo!
ANGEL: Not that sign, the other sign.
DAN: Next stop, Disney World!
ANGEL: No, THAT sign.
DAN: Oh! (Looks at other signs and casually reads) Bridge is out (Panics) Ah! The bridge is out!
ANGEL: Press the breaks!
DAN: Oh no! It doesn’t have any breaks! What am I going to do?
ANGEL: I guess you’re going to fall!
DAN: Aaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhh…splat! (Looks around) Ew! I’m everywhere! I’m all soupy and chunky. Look! Over there’s my arm... There’s my leg… Oh no... my hair!
ANGEL: Dan! Pull yourself together. This is the “What Would Have Happened Room”. It never really happened.
DAN: It never happened? Ha ha! This is great! Can I push another button?
ANGEL: Go ahead! Try the tan one.
DAN: How about the red button!
ANGEL: (Looks at the “what would have happened screen and jumps”) Ah! What’s that eating your face?!
DAN: (Chuckles) That’s my girlfriend, angel.
ANGEL: You were allowed to let that out of the zoo?
DAN: Hey, they said as long as I brought pepper spray and a taser I could take her anywhere.
ANGEL: Okay, okay. Who is that “shady” guy walking up to you?
DAN: Oh, that’s Shady Maples! The biggest, baddest drug dealer in town.
ANGEL: You took drugs? I cannot believe you have come into my room and you’ve taken drugs! This is ridiculous…
DAN: Angel! Angel! I didn’t take drugs! I’m a good person!
ANGEL: Oh that’s right. You’re a good person. Well let’s see what would have happened had you taken drugs. So now you’re popping’ pills... and you're smoking this... and you're smoking that... And you’re shooting up…Now you’re doing LSD… ABC… 123… You’re hooked!
DAN: I’m hooked!
ANGEL: You’re a junkie!
DAN: I’m a monkey? (druggie laugh)
ANGEL: No, you’re a druggie. And you’re out of money so you’re breaking into that convenient store to steal money. Go hold up the cashier.
DAN: (pretends to lift up person) Come here, cashier!
ANGEL: With the gun, Dan.
DAN: (pulls out gun) Right! (lifts person again) Come here, cashier!
ANGEL: They set off the alarm! The cops are coming!
DAN: What should I do?
ANGEL: Take the money and run!
DAN: Put all the money in the bag. (gun goes off, pause, turns around and starts running)
ANGEL: So you’re running… You hop over a fence… Another fence… And another fence…
DAN: Why are there so many fences?!
ANGEL: You’re in a fence factory. So you come into a wide open field and (both characters start moving and talking slowly) everything goes slow motion. (as cop) Freeze druggie!
DAN: Never copper!
ANGEL: Bang! Bang! Bang!
DAN: (makes motions like dodging each bullet)
ANGEL: (drop "gun" to pick up bigger "gun") Cop pulls out a bigger gun! Shotgun! Bang! Bang! Bang!
DAN: (again makes motion like dodging each bullet, last one is matrix)
ANGEL: (drop "shotgun" to pick up bazooka) Cop pulls out Bazooka!
DAN: You're too slow- (gets cut off with Angel's next like)
DAN: (falls to knees) Oh no! I can’t believe this! There is a big hole in my stomach! I wanted to lose weight, but not like this! Oh no! It’s dark! I can’t see anything. It’s so dark!
ANGEL: Hey, uh, Dan? Do you want to know what I do when it’s really dark and I can’t see?
ANGEL: I open my eyes.
DAN: (opens eyes) Oh! Wow! I’m not dead! This is awesome! Can I push another button?
ANGEL: Yeah! Just don’t push the gold button…
DAN: What’s that? Gold button? Okay! The gold button!
ANGEL: No! I said don’t push the gold button!
DAN: Why not, Angel? This place is beautiful. What is it?
ANGEL: This is Heaven. You see the streets of gold and all those mansions? That mansion right there is yours, Dan.
DAN: My own mansion in Heaven… Wait a minute. If that’s my mansion, then who’s that guy walking up to it?
ANGEL: You don’t recognize him? Dan! That’s Jesus! He comes to visit you.
DAN: This is great! Jesus comes to visit me at my own mansion in Heaven! This is wonderful! Almost too good to be true… Wait a minute, Angel. If This is the “What Would Have Happened Room” then… No, this is going to happen, right?
ANGEL: No, Dan, I’m sorry. This isn't your reality.
DAN: But, Angel! I was a good person!
ANGEL: Yes, Dan, you were a good person.
DAN: I didn't steal the car!
ANGEL: You didn't steal the car.
DAN: I didn't do the drugs!
ANGEL: You didn't do the drugs.
DAN: Angel! I was a good person!
ANGEL: You were a great person! But when it came down to the most important decision of your life, you said no to Jesus.
DAN: I didn't say no, I said not yet.
ANGEL: I’m sorry, Dan. There is nothing more I can do for you now. It’s too late (exit)
DAN: Wait! Angel! Don’t leave! I can just push another button…. Where did all the buttons go? Where’s the screen? Why is it so dark? No! God! No!